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 Waffen
Captain
Joined: Oct 25, 2006
Member#: 2503
Posts: 1421
Location: England & Thailand
    
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 Posted:
Sat Oct 13, 2007 12:27 pm Post subject: Waffen's New Wave of Kidnapping/Abduction |
 
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**I would like to stress that everything written below is hypothetical**
So I was eating dinner with my brother and he was leafing through a work clothing catalouge I'd been sent by one of those stalker style companies who carpet bomb your letterbox for ever after even though you've only ever bought one thing in 5 years. He went throught the Hi-vis section to boots to safety goggles to staplers and mailing bags and then the realisation hit me and I said to my 'bro.
"That catalogue is a kidnapper's handbook"
After nearly spraying his soup all over the fuckin' magazine we looked through it again. It was all there; everything you'd ever need for a successful kidnap!! (excluding the hi-vis jackets with an option of "I'm a rapist" and "Kidnapper" emblazoned on them).
For starters there are steel toecap safety boots tested to 200 joule (whatever the fuck they are) which enables you to fearlessley attempt to bag even the fattest of victims without fear of a broken toe. Then there are numerous styles and colours of 'work' trousers and combat pants, all with kevlar knee inserts. Or if it is summer 3/4 length trousers so you can get air to your sweatty balls while hiding in the bushes or the back of a truck. A plethora of jackets with tool pockets left , right and centre for all your razor blades, kitchen knives, lugers and barettas etc etc.
Then we have hand protection. The catalogue pictured everything from terry towelling gloves to rigger gloves to PVC elbow length gloves (for goths and kinky kidnappers) to latex condom gloves for cavity searches and underground dentistry.
Dust Masks and respirators come next for as little as 39p ($/Euro 0.80) to full face 3M masks to guard against a difficult victim armed with cans of mace or other anti-abduction devices.
What bothered me most was the 'Supplies' section and both me and my brother laughed about it. Several different varietes of packing tape suitable for covering orifices of all descriptions. Mainly that hardcore silver stuff you see in the movies though, its the sort of stuff you could tape a Ferrari down with!
Next was rolls of cellophane wrapping. Depending on your state of mind you get to pick either Black PVC style or clear - LOL, I did laugh at that. How considerate of them! Scissors and pocket knives that my 'bro pointed out were useful for acquiring body parts for ransom notes. He also pointed out that the staplers could be used to attach an ear to some paper! Why didnt I think of that? Damn! Mailing envelopes to send them off in aswell as all the stationary you can think of.
The only thing they don't sell are body bags!!!
We then talked more about the ransom situation and decided to discard the usual style of letters taken from the newspaper. Reason being; it makes you look like an illiterate psycho child with attention defecit dissorder and learning difficulties. We thought it would be much more effective to have it typed and printed by computer on headed notepaper, written in an eloquent manner and set out like a business invoice:
Kidnapper Inc.
a Back Alley
Big City
Dear parent/guardian/loved one (delete as appropriate),
We hereby inform you that your child/loved one has been abducted for reasons best know to us. If you would like to see them again we suggest you adhere to the following invoice:
1 x Pair Safety Boot £39.99
1 x Dark Jacket £59.99
1 x Combat Trousers £29.99
2 x Rolls Hefty Tape £5.49
1 x 10m Cellophane Wrap £19.99
2 x Pocket Knife £6.99
4 x Mailing Envelopes £2.50
Labour £5,000,000
V.A.T @ 17.5% £750,000
Total amount due £5,750,200
Please pay before the end of next month or the hostage gets it.
Yours Faithfully,
The kidnappers.
***Disclaimer - If anyone is actually stupid enough to use this menthod, I take absolutley NO responsibility***
_________________
Its a trick.......get an axe! |
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 diginferno
Rear Admiral (Ambassador)
Joined: Apr 11, 2006
Member#: 1771
Posts: 3182
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Posted:
Sat Oct 13, 2007 1:44 pm Post subject: |
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*looks thoughtfully at her innocent-looking pencil* I think this one is sharp enough. Maybe I should stick it in your eye, Waff.
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diginferno
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 nechesthecat
Lieutenant
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Joined: Aug 22, 2006
Member#: 2291
Posts: 116
Location: Austin, Texas
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Posted:
Sat Oct 13, 2007 5:07 pm Post subject: |
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Don't forget the first-aid supplies, in case you run across a knife-toting victim. You might have to pack a gash-wound with some gauze...
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poop!
(neches) |
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 Pesadelo 
Admiral (Administrator)
Joined: Feb 18, 2007
Member#: 3090
Posts: 1955
Location: Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
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Posted:
Sat Oct 13, 2007 5:20 pm Post subject: |
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Ah, Waffen, the invoice would be made of catalogue pieces, on better kidnapper's style. |
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Waffen
Captain
Joined: Oct 25, 2006
Member#: 2503
Posts: 1421
Location: England & Thailand
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Posted:
Sat Oct 13, 2007 7:51 pm Post subject: |
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LOL @ gash-wound!
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Its a trick.......get an axe! |
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Death_Medic
Vice Admiral (Moderator)
Joined: Nov 23, 2005
Member#: 1099
Posts: 2025
Location: Chicago
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Posted:
Sat Oct 13, 2007 11:35 pm Post subject: |
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Thats pretty funny just have boxes with checkmarks in them so impersonal
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 irule
Captain
Joined: Sep 20, 2006
Member#: 2410
Posts: 1379
Location: Canada
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Posted:
Sun Oct 14, 2007 2:00 am Post subject: |
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You know what else sounds like a kidnapping / rape handbook? Every Deftones album
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 Dami
Commodore
Joined: Feb 04, 2005
Member#: 87
Posts: 2567
Location: Stalag 13
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Posted:
Sun Oct 14, 2007 2:19 am Post subject: |
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That made my day
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L_
OL
This is Schäuble. Copy Schäuble into your signature to help him on his way to Überwachungsstaat. |
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Waffen
Captain
Joined: Oct 25, 2006
Member#: 2503
Posts: 1421
Location: England & Thailand
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Posted:
Sun Oct 14, 2007 7:10 am Post subject: |
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D_M good one. Check boxes is a great idea. For instance:
We kidnapped your (tick all that apply):
Dog
Cat
Kids
Horse
Mother
Other (please specify)
They are being held at/in:
A shipping conatiner
Derelict house in rundown neighbourhood
Forest cabin
Underground hideout
If you want to see then again please:
Leave the requested amount at specified location
Get a chopper full of money to the roof within 1 hour
Demand the immediate release of..............(prisoners name)
_________________
Its a trick.......get an axe! |
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 Hyouga
Lieutenant
Joined: Dec 28, 2006
Member#: 2841
Posts: 110
Location: Castile - Spain
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Posted:
Sun Oct 14, 2007 8:45 am Post subject: |
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Waffen, man, you're wasting your talent here.
These awesome pieces shouldn't be for free 
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"Music should strike fire from the heart of man, and bring tears from the eyes of woman."
Ludwig Van Beethoven |
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Waffen
Captain
Joined: Oct 25, 2006
Member#: 2503
Posts: 1421
Location: England & Thailand
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Posted:
Sun Oct 14, 2007 9:03 am Post subject: |
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Send me money by paypal then.
£2.50 per view
_________________
Its a trick.......get an axe! |
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axarydax
Ensign
Joined: Feb 01, 2007
Member#: 3020
Posts: 41
Location: Bratislava
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Posted:
Thu Oct 18, 2007 3:46 am Post subject: |
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awesome, waffen! 
It's funny, I've been thinking similar stuff (almost complete equipment for car-thieves and thieves in general) while shopping for some hardware in our local hardware store... |
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