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 Waffen
Captain
Joined: Oct 25, 2006
Member#: 2503
Posts: 1421
Location: England & Thailand
    
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 Posted:
Sun Oct 14, 2007 8:16 am Post subject: Waffen: Talking Shit! |
 
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You knew this was coming sooner or later didn't you?
Thanks to some really evil and putrid bowel movements this week I decided to write a piece on this most excellent and fascinating subject. One which I have a personal interest in as I was wierd with pooing as a child. I guess it was clinically classed as 'Anally Retentive' but I dont know why I did it but I used to have an aversion to pooing on the toilet. Instead I would sneak off to the garage or my bedroom or any convenient corner put my left hand's fingertips in my mouth, squeeze, strain and curl out a turd into my pants.
I wouldn't tell anyone either. I would wait until poo smell, wafting from my behind, attracted the attention of my parents or teacher before owning up to shitting myself. I must have really enjoyed it and sometimes wonder if it would be as nice to do it again these days, hahahaha, just kidding there. I did like it because I was 7 years old at the time!! I shit my pants until I was 7. How's about that for a 'before they were famous' moment. In fact, I wish I was a celebrity so I could get pissed-up on booze at an awards ceremony and tell everyone while I stood at the podium with my award in hand. That would lead to appearences on Oprah and other chat shows where I would fully discuss my rectal abnormalities with the host, then going on to be the head of a worldwide poo organisation, organising 'Live Ass' concerts around the globe to raise awareness and opening many poo orphanages in sub-saharan Africa........etc etc.
It must have been quite an issue at the time because I had to go and see a 'special' doctor at a hospital in Newcastle and talk about it every Monday for a few months. Anyway my Mum and Dad told me years later that the doc reccomended amputating my anus to stop the habbit. No, really, they were gonna keep me in as a patient at the hospital but according to my folks I stopped pooing myself that very day!!! Isn't childhood magical?
Poo. Don't you just love it. It comes in many different shapes, sizes and colours but it also has the bonus dimension of smell. You can craft it in various ways, change its shape, viscosity, moisture levels, colour and smell by simply the most crazy mix n match system in the world. It can be funny, annoying, difficult, surprising and sometimes painful but we all do it from the moment we are born to the moment we die; its amazing! I've decided to break this post up into sections to cover what I find most enjoyable about poo.
1. Styles
Where to begin?? Hmmmmm. Well i guess my fave. The good old Log. It sometimes requires that extra bit of effort to release and get past the bomb-bay doors but isn't it worth a bit of blood swaet and tears for the intense feeling of accomplishment you get after unleashing one of these. For me the log is the most satisfying of all. You know its a worthy specimen if it dissapears round the bend and the 'head' is poking up out of the water. That reminds me of a friend of mine once at school came into the room and said " Do any girls in here poke themselves with dried shit?" LOL. I wonder if any of the females at d.fm have experienced this fecal sexuality?
What about those ones normally passed after eating too much party food like peanuts and crisps. You can feel the bits of half-eaten and badly chewed snack scratching and scraping the inside of your large intestine and rectum as they are born into the world.
The foulest of smelling turds have to be the ones you do on boxing day (december 26th) All that turkey, cabbage and sprouts mixed up with booze and cheese and puddings with cream. What sort of ghastly stench it creates is beyond me - indescribeable. They're impossible to read or predict too. Will it come out as a hard brown log or dribble out all lumpy and humid! I find that too much bread sauce turns the mix into concrete and make it especially difficult to pass.
'Ring Stingers'! Brutal and severe in every way. They are typically the result of spicy fare. Prone to squirting out after abdominal pains or churning bowels (imaging the garden hose with your thumb over the end) without fail they are sticky and have the consistency of treacle. Just when you think you've squeezed the last drops out.......more appears from ...from.....from somewhere. Was it hiding up there? However the worst thing is the sensation as the feces comes into contact with your bum lips, sphincter or ring. I wonder if it is some kind of chemical reaction of the spice, chilli or whatever in the turd reacting badly with anal flesh and oxygen! Who knows? The sting can last for upto 30 minutes after the poo depending on the amount and strength of chilli/spice consumed and is often aggrevated momentarily by wiping. One final thing. You had better be careful while wiping this one because if you sneeze, cough or slip you can accidentaly wipe poo halfway up your back!!
Concrete constipation shits! Bad news indeed. You'll really have to spend time here and work hard to feed the bowl. Maximum effort for little reward; like the loosing side in team sports. Brought about by not eating enough ruffage, anemia, vegetarianism etc. The most frustrating and least enjoyable of all poos in my opinion.
Number one for pooer satisfaction is the 'Clean Nip' shit, usually in log form but has been known to occur in other types. After a big poo you go to wipe and are always pleased and surprised there is not residue on the bog paper. Like a Formula 1 pit stop you're in, dump, out as quick as Michael Schumacher and just as self smug in the knowledge that what you just did was awesome!! Rare.
2. Scatalysts.
These are things that can be ingested to add infinite possibilites to every area of your poo. These are things I have personally tried out or noticed over the years. I'll be interested to hear of anyone elses poo 'secrets' in this area.
To get greater 'presence' or stench from your poos I find it handy to eat some of the following in any number, quantity or combination:
Stilton or any other blue cheese, sprouts, cabbage, vodka, museli, raw thai bird's eye chillis, buffalo burgers, baked beans, scrambled egg, chicken vindaloo, christmas pudding with brandy butter, any type of savoury pie (preferably mince and onion), Turkish style kebabs and South African cooked breakfasts.
For colouration I have had red poo from the skins of chillis. Freaked me out coz I thought my rectum was bleeding. Also eating Australian liqourice in above average quantities turned my shit black - metal!!
3. Danger!
All the above is fun ans silly but lets end on a more serious theme. While pooing is great there are 'dangers' that make it potentially grim, ugly and even life threatening.
Haemorroids or piles. The causes of hemorrhoids include genetic predisposition (weak rectal vein walls and/or valves), straining during bowel movements, and too much pressure on the rectal veins due to poor muscle tone or poor posture. Similarly, sitting for prolonged periods of time can cause hemorrhoids. Hypertension, particularly in the portal vein, can also cause hemorrhoids because of the connections between the portal vein and the vena cava which occur in the rectal wall - known as portocaval anastomoses. (thanks to wikipedia for that). Evil and brutal. Sometimes referred to as 'grapes' in jest.
Rectal prolapse. This is where part of the wall or the entire wall of the rectum falls out of place. In some cases, the rectum may stick out of the body. Basically you begin to turn yourself inside out from the arse. Not pleasant - I once saw a picture of a weight lifter doing the clean and jerk and there was a prolapse...not pretty I'll tell you. Causes: A life long habit of straining to have bowel movements, stresses involved in childbirth, weakening of the anal sphincter muscle, and/or weakening of the ligaments that support the rectum are frequent causes. Neurological problems, such as spinal cord transaction or a spinal cord disease, can also lead to prolapse. In rare cases there may be a genetic predisposition. In most cases, though, no single cause can be identified.
You have been warned- enter the toilet at your own risk!
4. Scientific Research.
Its the age old argument. Which gender's poo smells the worst. Well I heard on the radio that some scientists had done some research and found that women's poo is by far the worst smelling. I agree with that 100%. Although there is probably no proof and this agrument is silly. Just thought it was worth mentioning though.
Other than that enjoy what you poo - that's my motto for the week.
_________________
Its a trick.......get an axe!
Last edited by Waffen on Mon Oct 15, 2007 4:10 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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 diginferno
Rear Admiral (Ambassador)
Joined: Apr 11, 2006
Member#: 1771
Posts: 3182
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Posted:
Sun Oct 14, 2007 8:27 am Post subject: |
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LMMFAO, this is quite an essay! Took me a while to read it. Anyway... somebody help me, I can't stop laughing!  
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diginferno
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 Pesadelo 
Admiral (Administrator)
Joined: Feb 18, 2007
Member#: 3090
Posts: 1955
Location: Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
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Posted:
Sun Oct 14, 2007 8:28 am Post subject: |
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DFM should open a directory for Waffen essays.
LMFAO @ Rectal Prolapse
I suggest a title for this writtings: "Poo Introduction, A Paradoxal Approach"  |
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 Dami
Commodore
Joined: Feb 04, 2005
Member#: 87
Posts: 2567
Location: Stalag 13
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Posted:
Sun Oct 14, 2007 10:00 am Post subject: |
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Applause! 
_________________
o
L_
OL
This is Schäuble. Copy Schäuble into your signature to help him on his way to Überwachungsstaat. |
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 cherubian
Captain
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Joined: Dec 17, 2005
Member#: 1184
Posts: 1753
Location: Hangzhou
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Posted:
Sun Oct 14, 2007 10:58 am Post subject: |
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I am stunned. You are a very interesting writer  Applause from me too! 
_________________
JOIN ZAGANISM, PM ME FOR INFOS (Headpriest Cherubian)
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Waffen
Captain
Joined: Oct 25, 2006
Member#: 2503
Posts: 1421
Location: England & Thailand
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Posted:
Sun Oct 14, 2007 11:24 am Post subject: |
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Stunned! That's a new one. Why? Stunned as in shocked or stunned as in police shock batton?
Thanks though guys.
_________________
Its a trick.......get an axe! |
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 misanthrone
Commodore
Joined: Jun 09, 2006
Member#: 1992
Posts: 4046
Location: BC, Canada
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Posted:
Sun Oct 14, 2007 7:32 pm Post subject: |
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wow,
such a waste of talent here man.. do something with your (sick) creativity.
_________________
None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free - Goethe
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Wurst
Captain
Joined: Apr 13, 2006
Member#: 1782
Posts: 1542
Location: Germany
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Posted:
Mon Oct 15, 2007 1:23 am Post subject: |
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lol godlike \m/ hail our new fecal god |
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 zarqun
Lieutenant Commander
Joined: Jan 12, 2007
Member#: 2916
Posts: 422
Location: Werken, West Of Flanders, Belgium
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Posted:
Mon Oct 15, 2007 12:32 pm Post subject: |
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I do agree with some others here: you have a very interesting way of writing (and thus describing things)
Also is your short essay built up very nicely, it's easy to get into and you don't draft to 100s of other topics.
If I have to write an essay, then I must rewrite several parts. The reason: a chaotic brain that jumps from the one thing to another 
that leads in a text with less structure and too much details (which is dramatic for the early parts of your essay, it makes it a lot harder to understand)
you also did some research, I noticed. was that self-evaluation and/or evaluation of others 
_________________
We were, fair queen,
Two lads that thought there was no more behind
But such a day to-morrow as to-day,
And to be boy eternal. |
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Waffen
Captain
Joined: Oct 25, 2006
Member#: 2503
Posts: 1421
Location: England & Thailand
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Posted:
Mon Oct 15, 2007 4:04 pm Post subject: |
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heheheh
Yes Zarqun I did some research but it only took about 5 minutes. I had to take a sneaky look at Wikipedia for the 'Danger' section. Other than that it was just memory and experience, old conversations and stuff. Talking shit (and about it) comes naturally to me.
_________________
Its a trick.......get an axe! |
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Waffen
Captain
Joined: Oct 25, 2006
Member#: 2503
Posts: 1421
Location: England & Thailand
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Posted:
Mon Oct 15, 2007 4:06 pm Post subject: |
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heheheh
Yes Zarqun I did some research but it only took about 5 minutes. I had to take a sneaky look at Wikipedia for the 'Danger' section. Other than that it was just memory and experience, old conversations and stuff. Talking shit (and about it) comes naturally to me.
Mostly it was self evaluation but a few things i gleaned from asking friends/collegues about their toilet experiences. I left one thing out though which I will add to the text right now.
_________________
Its a trick.......get an axe! |
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 nechesthecat
Lieutenant
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Joined: Aug 22, 2006
Member#: 2291
Posts: 116
Location: Austin, Texas
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Waffen
Captain
Joined: Oct 25, 2006
Member#: 2503
Posts: 1421
Location: England & Thailand
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Posted:
Tue Oct 16, 2007 1:43 am Post subject: |
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Thanks neches. Looks like some good reading there!
Sorry about the double post too - my oc was wierd last night. COuld one of the admins please remove one?
Cheers
_________________
Its a trick.......get an axe! |
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