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 misanthrone
Commodore
Joined: Jun 09, 2006
Member#: 1992
Posts: 4046
Location: BC, Canada
   
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 Posted:
Wed Oct 31, 2007 9:40 pm Post subject: The princess , the dragon..you know the story |
 
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so there's this princess closed in the castle, the dragon guarding her, blah blah.. the prince must save her.. here is the end of the story in different versions.. maybe you already know this, anyway..
*POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.
* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few
beers and fucks the princess.
* FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then they all leave........ without the princess.
* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.
* DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.
* BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.
* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.
* GRIND METAL
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...
* DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. Thats the end of the sad story.
* GOTHIC METAL
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duet by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell's eternity.
* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the HEAVY METAL protagonist.
* INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes obscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.
* SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someone's screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.
* CHRISTIAN METAL
The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to thank the protagonist he replies, "Sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage."
* GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour.
* BATTLE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footmen, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.
* NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.
* EMO
The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him. He gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny dork anyway.
* GRUNGE
The protagonist doesn't get eaten by the dragon because he stinks too much from not washing his hair in months. The princess won't go near him either, and he ends up dying on the town hall steps with the other grungers due to the over consumption of white cider.
* POP-PUNK
The dragon can't eat the protagonist because he can't catch him because he keeps bouncing up and down. The princess won't fuck him either, because he likes ska.
_________________
None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free - Goethe
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 Wurst
Captain
Joined: Apr 13, 2006
Member#: 1782
Posts: 1542
Location: Germany
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Posted:
Thu Nov 01, 2007 3:39 am Post subject: |
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yeah lol i know this for years... its damn cool ... i have to search for it on my pc... i think there were one or two more genre...
Then theres another text similar to that with the battle between hip hoppers and metalheads... i'll translate it for you... hope you understand it...
Weapon Arsenal
The hip-hopper uses generally a fire weapon, for example a pistol, a revolver or a machine gun sourced from russia. The Metalhead instead stays true and just walks with swords, axes, bows anda arrows into the fight. Advantage HipHop: Fire weapons are high distance weapons and are much faster than arrows. But in comparision with the swords and axes fire weapons have the disadvantage of a non-endless amunition.
Drumroll:
While the Hip-Hop music induces euphoria, happiness and nearly infinite sexual hallucination, metal transformes its listenersers into so calles berserker. That means the aggression of the metal-consumers rises and they get a damage bonus of 40%. Unfortunatly the hip-hop songs have the disadvantage that they only take effect during the refrain, while metalsongs are causing the berserkerrush the whole time and solos are inducing an additional increased attack-speed of 20%
Knight Armor:
The XXXL-Baggys and jackets of the hip-hoppers including kilos of gold and biatchez on their fingers and their throat are causing (because of their weight, adherence and anti-aoredymics) 50% slower movement and 25 % slower attack speed. The only interference for metal-heads are their hair, but which only causes a speed loss of 0,15 km/h (sry I'm too lazy to look it up in mph). The leather coats are much more aerodynamic than the FUBU-Jackets and have a additional Neo-Bonus. This unique bonus offers the black metal heads to proceed attack and defence in bullet-time. Ample researches in the desert Gobi engage that the black clothing takes more heat than comparable the hopper jackets. This fact allocates the uplift and the from that induced raise of Speed with 2%.
Start the battle!
After precisely done stochastic calculations a fight "hopper versus metalhead" works with a possibility of 1:23:
At first the speed metalheads try, because they (like the name says) are the fastest runners, to run around the hip hoppers. This gamesmanship provides the power metal heads the chance to attack. The fist splash of arrows impacts ( on the "hupfdohlen" any body knows a word for that in english??). When the hip-hoppers are out of munitionand have to reload, the black metal heads are starting a sneak attack and stab them with poisened daggers. During this devastating attack the time for true and viking metal heads has come to attack. - Death in Fire by Amon Amarth should be at 1:50 meantime.
The hoppers, who are still trying to reload they fire weapons because of their bad speedproperties, basically have lost yet. But theres a rescue arriving: The gangster-boss calls for close range combat. With fists and baseball bats they're standing in front of their enemies. This action though won't work, because the checkers haven't count on the swords and axes.
After 2:20 minutes Death in Fire most of the gangsters are dead. The remaining are losing their group bonus and their moral decreased heavily. The brothers of metal this doesn't work. Being accustomed to dark loneliness but although powerful in Hordes their still in rage. The remaining Hoppers try to escape, but are too disadvantaged because of their wide clothing and are stolpering with a possibility of 15%. The death metal heads are slaughtering the rest, while gore-grinders are raping or eating the corpses.
If you don't believe this, please calculate by yourself 
Hope you enjoyed it.. was a lot of work...
PS: wow i think a worthy post for my 700th |
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Blaspheretic
Commodore
Joined: Jul 01, 2007
Member#: 3647
Posts: 2568
Location: Königsee / Thuringia / Germany
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Posted:
Thu Nov 01, 2007 10:17 am Post subject: |
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Fighting a dragon only for a stupid chick who got kidnapped?
Smart ones bribe the dragon by promising some "firewater" for free,
the dragon acts like dead, the hero deceives the princess by claiming
he killed the dragon, fucks her, then she gets eaten by the dragon and
both go to the next pup to satisfy the thirst and talk about stupid fucks. |
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 cjjeepercreeper
Commodore
Joined: Nov 27, 2006
Member#: 2665
Posts: 6146
Location: At the Mountains of Madness
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Posted:
Thu Nov 01, 2007 1:43 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: |
GRIND METAL
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves... |
That is so fucking true, I about died laughing. 
And cool story Wurst. 
_________________
Not dead, just sleeping.
Memento Mori |
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 diginferno
Rear Admiral (Ambassador)
Joined: Apr 11, 2006
Member#: 1771
Posts: 3182
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Posted:
Thu Nov 01, 2007 2:23 pm Post subject: |
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_________________
diginferno
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 Waffen
Captain
Joined: Oct 25, 2006
Member#: 2503
Posts: 1421
Location: England & Thailand
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Posted:
Sun Nov 04, 2007 8:36 am Post subject: |
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HEHEHEHEHE well played Misan, funny as fuck. I like the gore metal one best
_________________
Its a trick.......get an axe! |
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Wurst
Captain
Joined: Apr 13, 2006
Member#: 1782
Posts: 1542
Location: Germany
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Posted:
Sun Nov 04, 2007 2:36 pm Post subject: |
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me 2 waffen |
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 Pesadelo 
Admiral (Administrator)
Joined: Feb 18, 2007
Member#: 3090
Posts: 1955
Location: Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
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Posted:
Sun Nov 04, 2007 3:13 pm Post subject: |
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Hilarious, Misa  I could imagine the little stories as cartoons - LMFAO
Wurst, your history is waffelian  |
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 DOSphantom
Commander
Joined: Aug 27, 2007
Member#: 3904
Posts: 787
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Posted:
Thu Oct 23, 2008 5:50 pm Post subject: |
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Forgot about this one, deserves to come back.
| Wurst wrote: |
Weapon Arsenal
The hip-hopper uses generally a fire weapon, for example a pistol, a revolver or a machine gun sourced from russia. The Metalhead instead stays true and just walks with swords, axes, bows anda arrows into the fight. Advantage HipHop: Fire weapons are high distance weapons and are much faster than arrows. But in comparision with the swords and axes fire weapons have the disadvantage of a non-endless amunition.
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Someone forgot all of the tanks and mythical creatures to ride.
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I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum. |
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 Death_Medic
Vice Admiral (Moderator)
Joined: Nov 23, 2005
Member#: 1099
Posts: 2025
Location: Chicago
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Posted:
Thu Oct 23, 2008 7:48 pm Post subject: |
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LOL looks like somebody went digging through the forums today.
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- Does this hurt ? -
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DOSphantom
Commander
Joined: Aug 27, 2007
Member#: 3904
Posts: 787
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Posted:
Thu Oct 23, 2008 10:05 pm Post subject: |
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May have been severly bored. 
_________________
I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum. |
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