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 Waffen
Captain
Joined: Oct 25, 2006
Member#: 2503
Posts: 1421
Location: England & Thailand
    
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 Posted:
Fri Jan 09, 2009 4:54 pm Post subject: The Law of Horror...Chapter 3 |
 
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Keys, locks and slasher movies.
Most prevalent in those fucking annoying recent 'horror' or teenage 'thriller' movies that America is so fond of. They really drag the whole horror genre down and have pushed the decent, true films well underground with their implanted tits and mainly squeaky clean high school or college characters. Anyway here goes.
So you run up the steps to the front door as fast as you can, rather foolishly forgetting to remove the keys from your pocket as you run to save time. Sure there's a knife wielding psychopath right behind you and your keys might not be the first thing on your mind, but thats really no excuse. It should be the first thing on your mind. That dosen't matter though because you will get a few opportunities to save yourself. The law of horror is in your favour.
Let me explain. You have aproximatley a sixty percent chance that the aforementioned lunatic has a bad leg or other form of mild disability like not knowing one end of the knife from the other, mental age of seven or some kind of vision impairing mask. The cameraman is gunning for you too (not literally even though he should be you stupid fuck)! He will purposley cut back to the nutter from you fumbling with your keys and make him 10 metres further back down the path than he was five seconds before. Then the psycho will trip over one of the steps on your porch and once upright again will miss by miles on the first attempt to cut you. So when you reach the door take a deep breath, stop shaking like an epileptic jellyfish withdraw your keys and calmly but quickly insert them into the lock and open the door. If you cannot manage this by the time all your chances have expired then you deserve to be hacked to pieces where you stand.
You might also find it beneficial to keep your locks, windows and door hinges in good order by regularly maintaining them with a little oil or grease. This will help negate those other really annoying features of such movies. For example; being dragged back through a window when you have so very nearly escaped, or not being able to close the door and stop the zombie infestation entering your home. Other than D.I.Y you can wear any sports protection equipment you might posess to stop being scratched or bitten on the ankle (while climbing through the above window).
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Its a trick.......get an axe! |
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 DOSphantom
Commander
Joined: Aug 27, 2007
Member#: 3904
Posts: 787
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Posted:
Fri Jan 09, 2009 5:27 pm Post subject: |
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I really don't get slashers, it's just a bit of gore flinged around, and you're done. Could have just watched an autopsy or a surgical operation.
I carry a knife I can flick out with my left wrist and can use it as a distraction, while I attempt something fun - like a nice knee snap to the face(if the individual isn't a fucking giant).
So I don't feel the "intensity" they're trying to display.
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I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum. |
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 Dark
Commodore
Joined: Jul 25, 2005
Member#: 589
Posts: 3246
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
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Posted:
Sun Jan 25, 2009 3:33 am Post subject: |
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Youre complete dismatling of horror movies is pointless. Besides youre analysis, I think we all can agree that all movies of this caliber or any movies made within the last 15 years arent worth watching. We dont need you to tell us. An making a thread then having to see a HUGE wall of text is time consuming, and boring.
I got as far as...
"Keys, locks and slasher movies.
Most prevalent in those fucking annoying recent 'horror' or teenage 'thriller' movies that America is so fond of."
And i realized i knew what you were goin to ramble on about and stopped reading. |
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