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axarydax
Ensign
Joined: Feb 01, 2007
Member#: 3020
Posts: 41
Location: Bratislava
   
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 Posted:
Tue Jan 08, 2008 2:14 am Post subject: What would different metallists do if saving the princess... |
 
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THE PROBLEM: Once upon a time, there had been a beautiful princess. Alas, she is in a castle guarded by an evil dragon. Various knights attempt to save her, and, the thing is, they are all metalheads of some kind. This is how each of them performs:
Power metal: The guy comes on a white unicorn, escapes the dragon, saves the princess and finally makes love to her in a magical forest.
Thrash metal: Guy comes, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.
Heavy metal: He comes on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks some beers and fucks the princess.
Folk metal: He comes with friends who play accordeon, violin, flute and other strange instruments, dragon falls asleep (from all of the dancing). Then everyone leaves...without the princess.
Viking metal: He sails in on his ship, kills dragon with his giant axe, skins him and eats him. Then he rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before he leaves.
Death metal: Guy comes, kills the dragon, fucks the princess, kills her and leaves.
Black metal: He arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales him to a wooden pole in front of the castle. Then fucks the princess in the ass, drinks her blood and ritually kills her and impales her to a pole next to the dragon.
Gore metal: He comes, kills the dragon, throws its intestines around. Then he fucks the princess and kills her. Later he fucks her again, rips her stomach open and eats her bowels. He fucks her remains, burns the corpse and fucks it once more.
Doom metal: Metaller comes, sees how big the dragon is. He thinks he can never defeat him, falls into depression and commits a suicide. Dragon eats him and the princess.
Progressive metal: Dude comes with a guitar and plays a 26-minute long solo. Dragon kills himself from the boredom. Metalista přijede s kytarou a zahraje 26 minutové sólo. Then the player arrives into the princess' chamber, plays next solo with all the fancy techniques and melodies. The princess escapes and starts seeking the heavy-metallist.
Glam metal: Man arrives and the dragon starts laughing about the guy's look and lets him pass. When inside the house, he steals the princess' makeup and starts painting the castle to pink.
Nu-metal: He comes in a Honda Civic and tries to battle the evil dragon. But he burns to death when his baggy clothes catch on fire.
Redneck metal: Metaller comes on a pickup truck, gets drunk with the dragon and vomits on it. He marries the princess, makes ten dumb kids, then grabs the fork and dumps the litter from the barn.
Speed Metal: Metaller wanks to death even before he arrives.
Speed Metal v.2: Prince simply arrives, simply kills the dragon with his voice, simply fucks the princess. Then repeats this on at least 10 different castles...
Speed metal v3: Metalisti přijedou a začnou si dělat z draka srandu. Ten se rozbrečí a zemře žalem. Pak si začnou dělat srandu i z princezny a ta se přidá k jejich skupině jako ženský vokál a jdou si dělat srandu z někoho dalšího.
NS black metal: Arrives on a Tiger tank, heils the dragon to the death and kills the princess in a gas chamber, because she wasn't aryan.
White metal: Some strange dudes arrive with a part of Jesus' cross. Dragon quickly burns it and they send crusaders to get him.
Atmospheric metal: They die from fatigue (from carrying their big instruments) even before they get to the dragon.
Industrial metal: Builds a factory next to the castle and everyone asphyxiates from the fumes. The castle starts to dissolve and the beautiful job of Glam metaller is destroyed.
Symphonic metal: The whole orchestra arrives and fills the castle. Now the dragon has his winter-supplies.
Gothic metal: Knight comes, tames the dragon and goes stargazing with the princess, to a cemetery in midnight. |
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 Pesadelo 
Admiral (Administrator)
Joined: Feb 18, 2007
Member#: 3090
Posts: 1955
Location: Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
 
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