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 Waffen
Captain
Joined: Oct 25, 2006
Member#: 2503
Posts: 1421
Location: England & Thailand
    
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 Posted:
Sun Feb 24, 2008 12:48 pm Post subject: Waffen on pigdogs & monkeydogs |
 
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So its been quite a while since my thread called "Waffen on life, bullshit and theology" (if you haven't read it: http://death.fm/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=2011&start=0)
I have spent some time recently thinking about Pigdogs and Monkeydogs (and women with necks like Giraffe's) in more detail and amusing myself no end with my own stupidity. So I have decided to share with you some of my waffle and bollocks which is to be included in a novel that I am writing. This is my intellectual property (if you can call it that) so don't rob me please! I'm looking forward to reading the feedback for this one. Take your time becuase its a big one.
On Pigdogs and Monkeydogs:
So you're big and clever, have a degree in gene manipulation and biology/zoology, own your own laboratory, carry a briefcase, drive a Landrover Discovery and enjoy wearing latex gloves for work and probing things. What you gonna do at work today? Pour shampoo into some Rabbit's eyes? Snip off some Guinnea Pig's tounges with nail clippers and force them to smoke cigars? Pass 1,000 Volts through a turtle's scrotum? Check if kittens can survive a concrete paving slab being dropped on them? Or what? If I was one of these people I'd be much more inventive than growing an ear on a mouse's back. You've all seen the picture right?
How useful was that? And the stupid twat who did one himself on his arm
Why? Why didn't he grow a 14" penis or an extra pair of arms instead? Maybe he had both of those already. In my book thats the equivalent of getting a tattoo that says "Mum 4 Dad" or something similar.
So anyway, my inventivness would involve splicing animals together to make the aforementioned Pigdogs and Monkeydogs. There are two schools of thought about each species because both types are in prevelence already; domestic and wild. There are also many possible outcomes of mixing these things together (teeth of the monkey, balls of the dog etc) so I have just used my favourite two examples for each species. Some people would say genius, some would say cruel and others just shear madness. You decide.
Pigdogs:
The domesticated pigdog would be man's even better friend. Both a loving companion and a fierce guard. My desired build would be the snout, tail and ears of a pig with the face, legs and genitals of a dog. Although somewhat patchy in the hair it department it would look cute and be great with kids but it would need to have it's teeth clipped to make it safe for domestic habitation. Perhaps the only two annoying features of this family/house friendly breed would be: 1: its annoying grunt-bark. Imagine it. I suppose it would depend on which dog it was crossed with, shit I never thought about that!!!!! What if it was a chiwawa with a pigs face and ears! Hahahah! Or had a pigs body and legs with a shitzu's face!! That would look well fucked-up and out of proportion. For the sake of argument let us assume the breed of dog is a Rhodesian Ridgeback from now on. Oh yeah and 2: The horrible stench of it's excrement. Dog shit is the worst smelling of any poo (that I have experienced) especially when your nose is close to it when smelled and pig's piss is nearly pure amonia and gets right up your nostrils and stays there for fucking ages. Pork-hounds could be usefully employed as a sheep-pigdog herding assorted livestock with its pig bulk and canine instinct for hunting. The most beneficial uses from man's perspective would be to breed pigdogs for security duties like police dogs or in a similar fashion to cattle. This bizzare husbandry will potentially be more commercially successful in the far east because when you think about it a pigdog is a Korean butcher's wet dream. It would probably taste like chicken aswell and end up in sausages for western markets.
The wild pigdog, in contrast, would be a cross between wild boar and wolves. There's even more variables here. Take your pick from: mainly boar roaming the great expanse of the Serengeti plain in Kenya and Tanzania or mainly wolf stalking to frozen forests of Russia and the arctic tundra. The African variation would be fiercely protective of its own little gang/family and have special tusks for digging burrows, spearing fish and cleaning matted shit from its offspring's bums. It would live in the tall grasses avoiding the larger predators of this habitat. The Arctic flavour of pigdog would have bigger tusks like a walrus or a single tusk like a Narwhal. Socially it would be more organised than its African cousins because of its lupine lineage. They could be periodically culled by sami and innuit hunters and their fur sold at extortionate prices to make handbags and scarves for twatty rich people and the meat may be a delicacy only available in exotic restaurants.
Monkeydogs:
The build we're looking at here is the body and limbs of a monkey with the speed and head of a dog. Domestically the monkeydog would be shit! Only the bravest, or stupidest, people would willingly take on one of these little fuckers as a pet. Due to their mischievous and agressive nature many would be turned loose in fields and moors across the world. These feral monkeydogs would then feast on chickens and lambs (when in season) thus provoking farmers to shoot them and everyone else to generally hate them. They would also be prey for large birds of prey and other domestic outcasts like panthers and tigers which are released when owners cannot care for them...erm I'm missing th point a bit here, I know. Back to the subject. If you could house one and bend it to your will you's have to feed it a healthy diet of dog food, biscuits and bananas which means when it farts you'll have to get out of your house or buy a gas mask. However, on the plus side it would make a brutal but very effective guard for your property and land. With lightning speed and fearless agression any intruders would be severely mauled.
This breed really comes into its own in the wild. Socially very complex with an alpha male and a very clear hierarchy. Inhabiting the jungles of South America, Central Africa or Asia. They would make these places even more forbidding and dangerous for the few humans who enter these locations. Piss, shit and cum could come raining down from the canopy onto unsuspecting travellers, hunters or loggers. Once the forest echoes with the frenzied howls of the monkeydog orgyfest - get away, fast. They sit there fucking, wanking sniffing each others bums and licking their own balls in one of the most preverse scenes from the animal kingdom. Its a good job Giraffes don't live in the jungle! Due to both the monkey and dog's breeding habbits its possible this animal would become a pest like the rabbit and lay waste to large areas of jungle leading to environmental groups trying to erradicate them.
Conclusion:
So there you go. I hope that was as much fun for you as it was for me.
Waffen
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Its a trick.......get an axe! |
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 diginferno
Rear Admiral (Ambassador)
Joined: Apr 11, 2006
Member#: 1771
Posts: 3182
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Posted:
Sun Feb 24, 2008 1:04 pm Post subject: |
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diginferno
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 cjjeepercreeper
Commodore
Joined: Nov 27, 2006
Member#: 2665
Posts: 6146
Location: At the Mountains of Madness
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Posted:
Sun Feb 24, 2008 1:47 pm Post subject: |
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Damn, that looks just like Peter Boyle, I didn't know he had an ear on his arm.
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Not dead, just sleeping.
Memento Mori |
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 misanthrone
Commodore
Joined: Jun 09, 2006
Member#: 1992
Posts: 4046
Location: BC, Canada
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Posted:
Sun Feb 24, 2008 8:50 pm Post subject: |
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my belly hurts from laughing.. good thing you decided to write a book, so my advice is "don't upload the whole text here"..
cool 
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None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free - Goethe
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 Wurst
Captain
Joined: Apr 13, 2006
Member#: 1782
Posts: 1542
Location: Germany
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Posted:
Mon Feb 25, 2008 2:45 am Post subject: |
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the ear-on-back rat looks like the one on the malignancy cover |
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 Hatchel
Lieutenant
Joined: Jan 12, 2008
Member#: 4491
Posts: 186
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Posted:
Tue Feb 26, 2008 10:57 am Post subject: |
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a fucking freak show, step right up folks.
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A man who wants nothing, is invincible.
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Waffen
Captain
Joined: Oct 25, 2006
Member#: 2503
Posts: 1421
Location: England & Thailand
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Posted:
Tue Feb 26, 2008 11:01 am Post subject: |
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Where do you want an ear grafting onto HatcheL? Your ass? your ears or your forehead? 
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